A Quick History Lesson About Men, Status, and SexApproximately 250,000 years ago our species (i.e. Homo Sapiens. Means "wise humans.") lived in nomadic bands of 20 to 30 hunters and gatherers. They had evolved into what are called "modern humans" who walked erect on two legs, made tools, and used language. They were a hardy and horny species. Daily life was a struggle through ice ages and among wild predatory animals. The lessons they learned about survival and mating in their difficult environment were deeply imprinted in their DNA and passed on to offspring.
By about 30,000 years ago, our ancestors had greatly increased in number and had evolved in body and brain very close to the physical likeness we are today. Very few physical changes have occurred in human bodies and brains over the past 30,000 years. That means we are still using a body and brain design that is approximately 30,000 years old! This body is designed primarily to survive and breed to produce offspring with similar DNA. Some women complain that some men's behaviors have not improved much since then either!
Why Men and Women Evolved Differently
The primary reason for the differences between men and women today is due to how our ancestors lived and survived in the past. Ancient men were the hunters who concentrated on ways to effectively stalk, kill and transport home the catch-of-the-day for the family group or tribe. Hunting was serious business and required creativity, cleverness, patience, and physical endurance. However, it did not require much talking or interaction with other men at a personal level. Men did not develop the personal communication skills that women did, as we will see below.
Ancient men were mostly interested in surviving and demonstrating success as a hunter. The best hunters were very important for the group's survival. The best hunters were greatly respected and valued and that earned them the power to control the group. This rewarding position at the top of the group came with valuable privileges.
In the ancient past, achieving high status as a great hunter and provider for the group got a man the best of what was available in the group. That usually meant he had first choice in food, comfort, and the women for as much sex as he wanted. That was the best life a man could hope for in those bleak times. (Sounds pretty good even today!) Therefore, men competed for the rewarding position at the top of their group hierarchy. Of course most of the men had to settle for some lesser level in the group hierarchy. However, everyday provided new opportunities to raise one's status, so men became very competitive.
Today's men still compete to achieve status and try to raise to the top of whichever groups are important in their daily life. This male drive for superiority is usually all too evident in groups of family, friends, neighborhoods, and on the job. However, today's men cannot easily prove that they are the best hunter of mastodons or whatever. Instead, many of today's men try to show their high status by succeeding in a career, displaying expensive possessions, or just bragging, exaggerating, and lying.
So to summarize how men have evolved, here are three major characteristics in men's DNA from the past that affects behavior today:
- Most men are competitive and seek as high status as possible in order to maximize access to desired resources such as personal power, food, comforts, and women for as much sex as desired.
- Most men do not communicate with other men at a very personal level. Men are competitive and personal talk may reveal weaknesses.
- Most men have a strong primary need to survive and breed to make more offspring with their DNA.
- Most men have a desire for frequent sex for most of their lifetime. Some men display their interest in sex openly because they think it implies they have high status.
A Quick History Lesson About Women, Relationships, and SexIn ancient times while the men were away on the daily hunt, the women tended the children and worked in groups for safety while gathering seeds, roots, berries, and nuts. These daily activities helped women develop a high skill for spreading their attention among several activities and people at once. They talked much of the time while doing their chores and improved their relationships within the group of women. It was very important for a woman to be accepted by the other women in the group for her continued survival. For thousands of generations, a key skill learned by each woman living in communal groups was how to get along with the other female members. Women learned to cooperate rather than compete like the men did. Equal and harmonious relationships within the group was the best way for women to survive in those hard times. Today's modern women still place a high priority on maintaining good relationships, even though it is not necessary to insure their survival.
How men's and women's ancient DNA programming affects them today.
Men and women are loaded with DNA programmed for living and mating in an ancient world very different than today's world. This old DNA causes men and women to behave today in ways greatly influenced by their ancestors.
- Many men are very competitive and seek high status in order to control resources and get sex.
Most of today's men use their brain or brawn to accomplish things that demonstrate their superiority in some field or task. They are still striving to prove themselves as the greatest hunter today. Interestingly, it is common practice for a dating man to take his woman to an expensive restaurant. An abundance of food given to the woman unconsciously demonstrates what a great hunter and provider he is! That is meant to impress her with his high status so she will give him what he really wants, and it is not food he wants! This still is largely true: "Men trade food for sex and women trade sex for food."
- Women want a close relationship with a man before mating with him.
For women, relationship-building is generally a part of every activity with everyone. Women build relationships by freely talking about their daily trivia and troubles. "I will tell you about my life and troubles, and you may tell me about yours so that we can be really close." This unconsciously reassures them they have a good relationship, and are safe and will survive.
When a woman tries to build a relationship with a man by talking about her personal life and problems, men don't understand what is happening. Men hear women's problems as a request for help, so men respond with solutions to the women's problems. When a man offers his recommended solution, the woman often feels as if he is trying to diminish her problem or cut her off. Women do not see a relationship developing with the man who wants to "fix her problems." Women don't want to be fixed, and feel like they are broken or defective. They want to be heard and form a close relationship!
What a woman needs before opening up completely to a man is a feeling of security and better chances for survival. In her mind (i.e. DNA programming) this is best achieved through a close relationship with a high status male. Unfortunately most men don't understand women doing relationship building and women don't understand men doing status building.
Today's men and women are programmed in different ways for surviving and mating. Men and women seek sex in different ways.
These male and female differences cause misunderstandings, mistakes, and stresses in dating and mating in today's world.
Understanding these differences can greatly aid both men and women in finding their ideal mate. A better understanding of their differences will help insure a longer and more satisfying life together.
Why Men Must Date Women
- Men today usually seek a woman as a mate by dating. This lets her know that he is interested in her as a possible mate and/or a sexual partner. The mate-seeking process varies by culture and religion, and there are traditional rules for mating that may or may not be written down.
In most western cultures, dating is done in ways that demonstrates a man's best characteristics so the woman will accept him closer emotionally and physically. The dating man's plan is to appeal most positively to his selected woman so she will invite him closer for lots of touching and you-know-what. In order for him to build up his attractiveness and appeal in her, he has to take his time and let her see his many good characteristics. The guy's main problem is figuring out what she wants in order to let him get closer! The woman makes the ultimate decision to let him get closer, and maybe even let him do that really good-feeling stuff with her.
- Dating and courting allows the woman time to evaluate each man so she can select the best one.
During serious courting, a woman is unconsciously watching for signs of how good of a protector and provider the man is. She needs to know if he will stick around to take care of her and the offspring after the initial fun is over.
Courtship involves numerous subtle behaviors, and many are nonverbal body language cues. Women are much better at reading these cues than men. During courting, the man should demonstrate being attentive, protecting, stimulating, calming, and caring. Every woman needs reassurance that the man really likes and values her, and that he is not going to just use her for his own pleasure then abandon her.
Fact 2: The unwritten rules for the mating game in most western cultures are these:
- Men must court women.
A man must do the dating and courting of a woman to get emotionally and physically close to her. If a man does his courting well, he may be able to get his desired woman in a relationship -- and get what he wants from her. She makes the final decision to let him in or not to her life and bed.
- Women select the best man available.
Dating and courting gives a woman the opportunity and time to evaluate the men. The woman normally has the chance to select the best one who will help insure the survival of her and her offspring in the future.
Only in the past few hundred years have the concepts of "love" and "fidelity" become part of the process of making babies. We really are not very advanced in these "love" and "fidelity" concepts, and they vary widely throughout the various cultures in the world. Local rules apply!