Monday, May 31, 2010

"Finally Together"

A young woman married and had 13 children.
Her husband died. She soon married again and
had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to
the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman
who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're
finally together."

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked...
"Do you think he means her first, second or third

The other mourner then replied... "I think he means
her legs."

and below picture to make you wonder..................

Sunday, May 30, 2010

"Home Early"

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs
to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just
as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and
says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your
wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips
open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You jerk," yells the husband, "my wife's having a
heart attack and you're running around with no
clothes on scaring the kids!"

Saturday, May 29, 2010

"Hellish Johnny"

Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mom
looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of
M&Ms, licking the family cat and then standing up, taking
a couple of steps to the left and sitting down again.

Shocked, she goes out to see what he is up to. By the
time she gets to him, he's done the same set of actions
another four times.

"Johnny", she cries, "What are you up to?"

"I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel," Little Johnny
replied. "You know, popping pills, licking pu/ssy and
moving on."

Friday, May 28, 2010

"An Agent"

The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day
she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars
a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her,
hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable.
He approached her, told her how much she turned him
on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he
would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that
the other customers did. He scratched his head,
considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my
agent's ten percent as a deduction?"

"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to
have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.

That night, she came to his apartment after her
performance at a local night club. The agent did
her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.

At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was
vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened
again, and again she was made love to again. The
actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are
so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have
you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered.
"He's at the darn door selling tickets."

Thursday, May 27, 2010

"Big and Dumb?"

A family of three (mom, dad and a young girl) go
down to Florida to visit a nudist camp. The girl
goes walking around on the beach, comes back
to her mother and says,

"Mommy, mommy, women down here have
bigger breasts than you."

The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the
bigger they are the dumber they are." (Hey!
I resent that! - LadyHawke)

The girl goes and walks around again. She comes
back to her mom and says,

"Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger
penises than dad."
The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the
bigger they are the dumber they are."

The girl goes on her way and comes running back
to her mom again. "Mommy, Mommy, Dad is talking
to this really dumb blonde, and the longer he talks,
the dumber he gets!!"

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

"Dentist Foes"

Terribly agitated, Jack rushed into his dentist's
examining room and ushered the hygienist firmly
to the door. Once he was alone with the doctor,
he unzipped his fly and gingerly pulled out his

"Jack, Jack," said the dentist, taken aback. "I am
a dentist. If you think you have V.D., you need to
see your regular doctor."

"It is not V.D.," gasped Jack, "and you have gotta
help me. There is a tooth stuck in it."

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

"Fat Head"

A guy walks into an ice-cream shop with his wife
and his son. He says, "I'll have a chocolate cone."

The wife says, "I'll have a vanilla cone."

Then he slaps his son in the back of the head and
says, "What do you want, fat head?"

The lady behind the counter says, "Why'd did you
smack him and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life
a man wants. The first thing is a nice big truck.
You see that nice big truck sitting out there?
That's mine.

The second thing a man wants in life is a nice big
house. You seen that nice big house on top of the
hill on the edge of town? That's mine.

The third thing a man wants in life is a nice tight
pu$$y. And I had that, until fat head came along."

Monday, May 24, 2010

"Five Kinds of Sex"

The first is Avatar Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both
keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence,
also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway
and say, "Screw you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife
screws you in front of everyone in court.